4. What the participants told us

Being cheated on

Fights

Breakups

Trust

Jealousy

Your girlfriend being jealous of you having other girl friends, it gets messy, or jealous of me hanging out with my friends. (Boy, Christchurch)

Sex

Having different sexual needs and wants. (Boy, Christchurch)

Where sex comes in. If you want sex how to get it without destroying the relationship. And likewise, if you don’t want it, how to preserve the relationship. (Boys, Wellington)

Peer pressure

Peer pressure, including your boyfriend pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do. (Girls, Wellington)

How relationships work

An understanding of how to start a relationship and how to finish one. (Boys, Wellington)

What to do once you’re in a relationship. (Boys, Wellington)

Communication

Will she say yes if I ask her out? What is going on in her head? (Boys, Wellington)

Sometimes couples have unequal feelings about each other. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

People use the word ‘love’ in different ways; some people say ‘I love you’ after going out for three days. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

Bullying

Our [gay] relationships get us bullied. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

Text-based relationships

You are constantly in touch and it gets intense really quickly and can break up really quickly. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

Strong feelings

Sometimes something happens and you feel like the world is ending. You think something was a really big deal at the time, then you look back on it later and realise it really wasn’t that bad. (Girl, Wellington)

Abusive relationships

Domestic violence is acted out at school. We are seeing more dysfunctional families, with a lot of violence and that is starting to be portrayed as the norm … males seven to 15 years old have a real attitude toward women. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

Some kids don’t know what a safe relationship is. Many are in a high-risk relationship which has the potential to be abusive. They characterise it as love – someone I’ve chosen as my significant other who is not my family. The boys haven’t had good relationship role-modelling. (Youth workers, Auckland)

A big relationship issue for kids is ‘ownership’ of a person they are in a relationship with. You can see unhealthy habits starting. Not just in boys but also girls who are wanting to control their boyfriends. Can be very possessive in their relationships. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Sex

If they (girls especially) have early sexual experiences it is likely to involve alcohol or sometimes because they have been sexually abused. Huge education is required for the boys around STIs… Catholic and Pacific kids (especially girls) are hugely conflicted, have guilt. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

Get intense in a relationship very quickly including unwanted and unhappy sex. Drugs and alcohol are frequently involved in the formation of a relationship. This means they have no fear of consequences, including STIs, rape, pregnancy. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

Pacific kids don’t get sex education from their parents. When adults say no they’re going to do it anyway. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Breakups

Breakups are messy. Relationships can spill over into bad feelings within a group or groups of young people. It simmers and some kids are happy to stir the pot. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Generational and cultural differences

P.I. kids keep home and church separate from school. They might be good at home and church and then come to school and be loud, swear, hook up in a relationship. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

First-generation Kiwi kids have particular issues with peer pressure and their parents’ views are often very black and white. Kids talk to their friends to get permission to do what they are doing, when their parents would tell them ‘no’. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

Refugee boys are rampant, they have no boundaries. In the refugee camp they had nothing, no men, sometimes there are six boys raised by one woman who may not be their mother. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Texting and social networking

Kids know everyone’s business, within seconds, with texting. They are not given a break from texting and socialising. They are communicating with their peers constantly. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

Influence of technology is huge, texting relationships, Bebo, Facebook, telephone. I know a girl who has had a six-month relationship who has seen her boyfriend only three times. They might only know them by their nickname. (Youth workers, Auckland)

If you haven’t received a text by a certain time, what does it mean? They don’t know how to interpret texts. It is the worst medium for expressing emotion. They get confused by the lack of emotion. It can make and break a relationship and it can happen really quickly. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Boundaries

The most important thing to teach young people is to have boundaries for the relationship, including trust. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Breakups

It’s ok to fall out of love, you need to care, but it’s not your responsibility whether your ex sinks or swims. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Peer pressure

To withstand peer pressure, especially the pressure to have sex. (Mother, Wellington)

That you are still cool if you say no, if you don’t want to be involved. (Mother, Wellington)

Alcohol

Alcohol counselling is important. Their bodies are not ready for a lot of alcohol. But being drunk is no excuse afterwards. It is too late to say ‘I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing’. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Respect

Have respect for whoever they’re going out with, whether the relationship lasts or it doesn’t. Break up with dignity, don’t trash the other person. (Father, Wellington)

Self-esteem

If kids have confidence and self-esteem they then are more inclined to be prepared for life later on, it starts as little kids. They have to be comfortable to stand against the trend. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Dealing with disputes

Teenagers often have inappropriate anger, they don’t know how to deal with it. Need to teach them restraint, don’t say the first thing that comes into your head. (Father, Wellington)

Values

By the time they get to be a teenager they should have a solid value system and good sense of judgement. They can look at things with some independent thought and decide what is right for them. Sometimes they don’t have the skills, but they have the common sense and values (Mother, Wairarapa)

What constitutes a healthy relationship

Know what is a healthy relationship, need to define this, eg dating and sexual stuff. Everyone has different views about what is healthy. (Father, Wellington)

Sex education

Breakups

The intensity of first breakups can’t be underestimated; their investment is very deep. There is self-blame, a struggle between head and heart, a huge sense of grief. Our role is to let them know that they are not alone. (School counsellor, Wellington (b))

There is a sense of failure when a relationship ends. Young people don’t have the background, they don’t know that it will be ok. They also have to deal with ‘publicity’ around the breakup. (Youth workers, Wellington (a))

What constitutes a healthy relationship

Being able to tell the difference between what is and what isn’t ok in a relationship – is this normal? Eg, people don’t understand that abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can be about emotional control. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

What kinds of boundaries they have. They might feel weird about a relationship but they are unable to put their finger on it. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Communication

Some young people, when they are starting their first relationship, are incapable of reading the signs of the other person. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Boys don’t know what girls want, they want to know what the rules are. (Youth workers, Wellington (a))

Values

Kids need to learn about values, morality, being part of a community. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Sex education

Personal experience

My family

My parents have separated, because of that I’m really cautious about the ‘status’ of my relationships. I never saw them being happy and in love so I don’t use the love word for a long time in a relationship. (Girl, Wellington)

My friends

You get the G-rated version of sex education from your parents and get the R18 version from your friends. (Boy, Christchurch)

At school

The teacher gets a condom, gives a demonstration on how to use it but they don’t talk about the emotional side. They tell us you have sex, get pregnant or you get AIDS and die. They don’t teach how to deal with a breakup. They focus on the physical side and say you also need to be emotionally ready but not anything more. (Group, girls and boys, Wellington)

School talks on the birds and the bees are useful and we need to know (even if we pretend that we don’t want to know in front of our mates). (Girl, Christchurch)

There is too much sex education, it is just repeated every year, I wish I could pull out of having to do it. (Boy, Christchurch)

They should teach how to deal with relationship breakups. However, everyone also does it differently, so it might be better to learn that one-on-one. (Group, girls and boys, Wellington)

We had a guy come to school a couple of times to talk with our year group about drugs, alcohol, sex and stuff. He told us stories about his own life and experiences. He was cool and funny and he talked at our level. He answered questions that other kids had asked him before. (Group, girls and boys, Wellington)

At church

At church there are lots of older people in relationships and they are good examples. (Girl, Wellington)

Media

[about relationships in movies]: …they make it look so easy, even when they have problems. They make you think that’s what life is like, that’s how it can be, but it is all fantasy. (Group, girls, Wellington)

Family

These kids are watching and hearing us all the time, more than we realise. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Some young people are not observing their parents cuddling on the couch at home. (Grandmother, Auckland)

My parents split up when I was young and I never saw their arguments and fights. I make a point of showing conflict and making up in front of my kids, that it’s ok to disagree, a sense of reality is important. (Father, Wellington)

In blended families children learn about how to form relationships as they see their parent’s new partnership form. (Mother, Wairarapa)

My 14-year-old grandson asks his great-nan, ‘How old were you when you first had a boyfriend?’ They are very close and she is very honest with him. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Friends

My kids were influenced by other kids’ family rules (or lack of them). I was always having to justify why we do it the way we do. There is a lot of peer pressure. (Mother, Wairarapa)

School

School education has a huge influence, particularly about sex. Lots of it is about the mechanics, but they have left out the emotional part, it is hard to teach. The mechanics can be taught too early. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Media

[Young people have] a fascination with Hollywood star relationships. If they don’t know any better, they think that’s normal. (Father, Wellington)

Kids discuss stuff on social networking sites and we have no idea. They worry me. I’m not au fait with them. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Personal experience

[Young people] learn by trial and error. They learn by doing, by making mistakes. Sometimes they are terrible mistakes. Hopefully they are coming out from these experiences knowing a little bit more about relationships. (Father, Wellington)

Parents

Relationships are modelled at home. If the child has a sole parent, if there is violence at home or drugs are seen as acceptable – where are they going to see and learn about healthy relationships? (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

They learn relationships from the context within which they live. The strongest context is from within their family, what is modelled at home. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

Many [Pacific] girls are told they are not allowed to have a boyfriend until they are 18 or 21 years old. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Peers

Within their peer group … eg the old girl crones of the group are setting up young girls with boys. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

A lot of youth are isolated, they are learning from their peers and it is not necessarily good information they are getting. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Friends – this is a big influence. Young people talk to their friends a lot. Peer pressure is significant, there is lots of gossiping in playground. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Media

TV is often really unhealthy and the relationships are either volatile or sweet and forever. (Youth workers, Wellington (a))

Kids learn a lot of stereotypes from music videos, particularly about gender roles … they project that there is a high-up love you would do anything for, for true love, including putting yourself in danger of hurt because this love is the ultimate thing. They insinuate that if this relationship doesn’t continue on you will be broken. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Kids learn about relationships from Playstation games, the internet and DVDs – that their parents rent and don’t screen or censor. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

On social networking sites … it is a different style of being in a relationship. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Gangs

Gangs have a big influence on building relationships. Every second young person has an affiliation to a gang. Affiliation will mean different things for different people … it is cool in South Auckland to be part of a gang. It is an identity thing. It depends on the gang – they create a family, a sense of being wanted, recognised and acknowledged. (Youth workers, Auckland)

School

Some kids don’t come to the sex education classes. There is a fine line for faith-based schools in terms of what they teach about sex. [My Catholic school] is very careful to teach sex education within the context of a relationship and relationship issues…the health curriculum is taught through the Religious Education Department. The approach is that relationships are within the context of spirituality. It is a holistic approach. (School counsellor, Wellington (c)) Sometimes we are exposing kids to things that they’re not ready to hear. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

Deal with it by myself

My family

Really they’re [parents] probably better to talk to than you think. (Girl, Wellington)

My mum went psycho and went over to try and sort it out with her parents, I felt shame, whakamā. (Boy, Auckland)

I wouldn’t talk to my dad because he wouldn’t take it seriously, he still thinks of me as his little girl. (Girl, Wellington)

Friends

Having enough friends around you helps, they support you and know you. (Girl, Wellington)

Going out with mates – talking to them about issues but not telling them about your issue. (Boy, Auckland)

With another adult, not your parent, because they will take it in differently – you’d get a mean telling-off from your parents. Yeah, your parents will be disappointed in you. (Boy, Wellington)

School counsellor/teacher

Not school counsellors, young people don’t think they can trust them. Making an appointment is not confidential. (Group, girls, Wellington)

The school counsellor tries to find a solution, but I don’t want that. I just need someone who will listen, I need guidance. Just by talking you can find your own solutions. Sometimes you’re forced to talk to the guidance counsellor. Sometimes they are good but sometimes they don’t do what you want them to. You need to build a relationship with your guidance counsellor. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

Teachers who are cool, who are easy to talk to. (Group, boys and girls, Wellington)

You can’t talk to the teachers here, I don’t trust them. (Boy, Auckland)

Parents, whānau

In the traditional whānau model men did not talk about sex, it was tapu and kids were told go see your aunty to have that women’s discussion … who is responsible – it is a wairua thing, the person gravitates to you, it is everyone’s responsibility. But you need to be prompting them, asking her cousins … it takes time, effort, commitment and resources (and not just money). You think something is wrong with that girl, and you go sort it out. We are sometimes seen as the witches! But it has to be a safe place for them to come to. (Group discussion, Māori grandmothers, Auckland)

Mum has the ability to talk about deep and quite explicit things. This is partly a cultural thing. (Samoan father, Wellington)

If parents are in a dysfunctional relationship they may not feel comfortable talking about relationship issues … need to let parents know it’s ok to talk about [relationships], that young people want to. A lot is embarrassment. Some [parents] are not ok about talking about feelings … ideally, the parents and teen should be getting the same information together, eg, have sex education at school with both parents and teen present. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

School

They get relationship education at school. (Mother, Wellington)

Teachers who are comfortable about teaching it are rare. You can’t expect all teachers to have those skills. [Young people] are captive at school and it’s the place where most establish their relationships. (Mother, Wairarapa)

I am uncomfortable about the detail they go into at school at such a young age. By getting the information they’re getting the permission to go ahead. The information needs to be in a context and they need to be ready. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Some kids don’t feel safe in the class to ask questions, they need a safe social environment to teach it in. (Father, Wellington)

Wherever they get it needs to be reinforced at home. (Father, Wellington)

It would help if parents knew what was happening at school, then parents could reinforce it. (Mother, Wellington)

Parents

The best place is one-on-one with parents, not even with other siblings present. (Father, Wellington)

Grandparents and other adults

Grandparents are different from a parent. We are more relaxed and lenient with our grandchildren. [I say to my grandchildren] mum’s your boss but I’m not your boss. (Grandmother, Auckland)

For dysfunctional kids mentoring has significant merit. [Mentors] can speak through experience, provide balance. (Father, Wellington)

Often they have a relationship with another adult, eg a workmate. It is a good thing to have. They are like a mentor and we should encourage it. However, they may not always give the advice you would like and the young person may take it as gospel. You have to be accepting of the other influence even if it is slightly different to us. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Social groups

Peer pressure is both positive and negative; if they haven’t got a good group the results are disastrous. (Father, Wellington)

Church youth-group constructs positive other influences to help them shape their own values. (Father, Wellington)

School

You can’t just expect the education system to solve it. Must have whānau support, and linking whānau to school. When kids notice their whānau are involved it matters to them. Kids are wanting their parents to be there for them. For parents who are working there is no putea for them to take some time off and watch their kids’ activities at school. (Aunty, Auckland)

Media

I’ve seen on TV on Saturday morning these panels of kids where they ask questions, and they are great. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Parents

Teens ache for something from their mums and dads, that’s what they want. If you match up with the love that’s inside their mother then you are getting somewhere. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

I work with families to get a good relationship with the parents. It starts with whānau, that’s where it will finish too. What they see at home is what they will do. (Youth worker, Wairarapa)

Youth solving youth issues

We should listen to young people more, not just pay them lip service. Give them respect and responsibility, give them resources and autonomy. Only youth will solve youth problems. They need our support and trust. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Youth workers

Youth groups, youth workers and leaders. They want someone they trust, honesty, someone of the same gender. They don’t want their parents or school. They want people who can share their own experiences. We had a youth workers’ panel which answered anonymous questions and it was really successful. (Youth workers, Wellington (a))

We are seed-planting. We are modelling [healthy relationships] as youth workers. (Youth worker, Wairarapa)

School

For some kids, their teachers and schools are often the safest adults they meet. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Young people need to have a mix of skill – what are you supposed to do plus experience. This is a level of inquiry that is going deeper than passing on information. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

BUT…

Young people don’t see school as a place they can go for personal issues. It depends on your relationship with the school. (Youth workers, Wellington (a))

School counsellors

The school counsellor is a normal part of the school. I’m involved in coaching the dragon boat team so I’m interacting in the school in other ways. Then there is less stigma about seeing the school counsellor, kids just drop by. However, the role of counselling needs to be understood in the school, by the other teachers. School counselling is not therapy. School counsellors work in an educational setting. Our role is to enable kids to learn … we have a triage role – listen to kids, help them out and/or refer on. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

BUT…

Ninety-five percent of a school counsellor’s work is social work, brokering services for the young person. This leaves no time for counselling and it is getting worse. The intensity and complexity of problems prevent school counsellors from seeing kids with ‘middle-range’ issues, eg with relationship issues. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

Collaborative responses

One school counsellor gave an example of a collaborative response:

If a girl comes to see me when she is pregnant I say to her ‘This is going to be a very hard time and you need people there to help you. Who are you going to tell and talk to?’ They can always find somebody who they know will be ok to tell, eg an aunty. I say ‘That person and I need to talk’ and it goes from there. The parents then find out. I need to honour the parental authority. Kids try to fragment out their world. They try to keep their friends, family, church and school all separate, but it is not a good thing to do. (School counsellor, Wellington (c))

[Our school] has an excellent relationship with [local] Youth Health Service. One of their nurses comes to school. There is a natural transition for kids between school and [the Youth Health Service]. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Strengthening Families as a place to start has been really effective. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

There should be a one-stop shop for young people … a space where young people go, with good access. It should be aligned with school. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

BUT…

Time is a barrier. There are different levels of buy-in [to collaboration initiatives] … the contracting model is stuffed. Need funding to do collaboration and more time to do this. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

There are limited places to refer on to in the community. Parents can’t pay for private counselling. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

Youth-friendly information

There is a lack of youth-friendly resources. The Family Planning red heart concertina brochure is liked by kids. Information from the It’s not OK campaign is very good but it is not targeted at youth. There need to be stories from young people, and include young people in designing the resources. (Youth workers, Wellington (b))

Mentors

There are many parents who don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing. In these families, mentoring for young people is useful, if the family is not going to change … need to strengthen the community around the young person, with an adult to teach them. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Church

In some churches [youth] are to be seen and not heard. It is important to be seen in church, though there is no way they’d talk to their pastor if they had problems. Some P.I. communities are pushing the change. It’s about re-educating the pastors, they hold the power. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Over-reacting

Parents can be reactive, need to learn to sit and listen and talk later. (Father, Wellington)

Passing comment about your teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend

You need to be careful about communicating your personal opinion about your teen’s boy/girlfriend, be careful about passing comment or opinion. You really need to bite your tongue sometimes. (Mother, Wellington)

Teasing or gossiping about your teen’s relationship

You need to be aware how sensitive they are about these things. My husband and I soon learnt that we couldn’t tease our son about his relationships and girlfriends. (Mother, Wellington)

Parents shouldn’t gossip about their kids with their own friends. It doesn’t encourage kids to give confidences to their parents. However, it is also good to talk with other parents about how you’re managing with your teens. (Mother, Wellington)

Being afraid of setting boundaries

I have my rules. For example, they are not allowed to sleep [with their boyfriend or girlfriend] in the same room at home. It is about not being afraid to have some standards, in my own home, under our roof. (Mother, Wairarapa)

Being absent from home

If you’re not around because you’re working then you can’t see the good things that they are doing. (Grandmother, Auckland)

There is a lack of parents at home, parents are working. The kids have no boundaries and are left searching for a sense of belonging. (Grandmother, Auckland)

Being embarrassed to talk about sex

Parenting programmes

Parents do appreciate these courses … parents could be helped by community responses. It is necessary to have a sense of community, of having connections. Someone like super-gran idea, where parents are drip-fed practical ideas and it’s an ongoing relationship. (School counsellor, Wellington (b))

To be successful parenting programmes need to have free transport, no course fee, childcare available. They need to be holistic…it needs to be sustainable and empowering. If a mum feels good they’re going to parent better. There is not the same level of support available for dads. (Youth workers, Auckland)

Need to get to parents through churches, community notice-boards, rugby clubs, leaders in the community. Need to be targeted at the community level and parents will come along if they trust the person who is delivering the programme. (School counsellor, Wellington (a))

The model of parenting programmes is not real. They are founded on a mother and father, people being articulate, organised and employed. For example, strategies like time out are useless when there are five kids sharing that room (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)

Setting boundaries

Sole parents struggle with teenagers, especially where they haven’t set appropriate boundaries for their kids … parents end up saying your boyfriend can stay over and sleep with their daughter. They say it is better that they’re at my house rather than roaming the streets at 3am. (Youth workers and school counsellors, Wairarapa)