Executive Summary
The purpose of this project was to find out what support young people need as they have their first relationships.
For this project, young people were defined as people aged 11 to 18 years. The project did not include platonic relationships and was not specifically focused on understanding sexual activity in young people’s relationships. It is important to note that young people are not a homogeneous group. Age, gender, sexuality, culture, values, personality and experiences of other relationships, especially within their family, will all influence how young people think about, feel about and engage in relationships. Consequently, the types of support young people use and find effective will be different.
The Families Commission searched and reviewed the limited literature and research available on relationship support for young people. We also talked with key stakeholders in the government and non-government sectors. In February and March 2009 we held the following focus groups and interviews:
- nine focus groups with young people in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch, involving 77 young people
- four focus groups with parents, grandparents and whānau in Auckland, Wellington and the Wairarapa, involving 23 participants
- three focus groups with youth workers in Wellington and the Wairarapa, involving 14 participants
- interviews with seven school counsellors in Wellington and the Wairarapa, and a focus group with three social workers working in two South Auckland secondary schools.
We recruited these participants through contacts and, where possible, used existing groups (for example, youth groups, youth support-groups, young people at a boarding school, members of a Families Commission Parents Panel). The young people and parents and whānau were not related to each other. Our sample was small and selective (for example, we did not have sufficient representation in the focus groups from rural areas, Pacific peoples, other ethnic minorities or at-risk young people) and is therefore not representative of young people or parents in New Zealand, and the findings from this project cannot be generalised across the population.
What we were told
The participants in this project provided information and opinions on:
- what relationship issues young people work through and what skills and information they need
- where young people learn about relationships and where they go to for support
- who should be teaching young people about relationships
- how to effectively support young people as they deal with relationship issues, and, particularly, how parents can support their young people.
What are the top relationship issues for young people?
Young people and professionals working with young people answered this question. They agreed that dealing with breakups, sex and text-based relationships were three key relationship issues for young people. In addition, the young people mentioned being cheated on, fights, trust, jealousy, peer pressure, knowing how relationships work, communication, bullying (gay and lesbian young people only) and dealing with strong feelings. The professionals also talked about abusive relationships and generational and cultural differences being key relationship issues for young people.
What skills and information do you think teenagers need so they can develop healthy relationships?
The parents and whānau and professionals we talked with agreed that teenagers need skills and information on breakups, what constitutes a healthy relationship, values and sex. The parents and whānau also said that young people need skills and information regarding boundaries, peer pressure, alcohol, respect and self-esteem. The professionals added communication skills to the list.
Where do young people learn about relationships?
The young people, parents and whānau and professionals we talked with all agreed that young people learn about relationships from their family (parents, siblings and extended family), friends, school and the media. All these groups were quite critical of what and how young people were taught through the school sexuality education curriculum. Young people and parents and whānau also said young people learn from personal experience. Some young people said they learnt about relationships at church. One group of youth workers spoke of young people learning about relationships through their affiliation with gangs.
Where do you go if you have a relationship issue?
The young people we talked with said that if they had a relationship issue they dealt with it by themselves; talked to someone in their family, their friends, a school counsellor or teacher, youth worker, doctor or Youthline; or looked for advice in a girls’ magazine. While most of the focus groups with young people listed school (either teachers or the school counsellor) as a place they could go, not everyone felt comfortable doing so, because they didn’t trust them or they didn’t give the type of support the young person wanted. All the young people we spoke with said they would not use the internet for information about a relationship issue.
Who has the responsibility to teach young people about relationships?
The parents and whānau and professionals we talked with said the responsibility for teaching young people about relationships rests with their parents and schools.
What are effective ways to support young people with relationship issues?
The parents and whānau and professionals agreed that effective ways to support young people with relationship issues included support from their parents and at school. In addition, parents and whānau said effective support could come from grandparents and other adults, social youth-groups and through the media. Professionals working with young people added that young people should be empowered to solve youth issues. Youth workers, collaborative responses, youth-friendly information, mentors and church could also provide effective support. The professionals also raised a number of issues with the support services that are currently provided.
What do you want from your parents and whānau?
Young people said that the quality and type of their relationship with their parents influenced what they wanted by way of support for their relationship issues from their parents. For the gay and lesbian young people, talking with their parents about relationship issues was always shaped by their parents’ reaction to their coming out.
The young people said they wanted the following kind of support from their parents and whānau:
- be available
- be straightforward, tell the truth
- give good advice, share stories about their relationship experiences
- talk about sex
- talk things through and let them ask questions
- don’t interfere
- listen and don’t judge.
They didn’t want the following from their parents and whānau:
- closed-mindedness
- too much seriousness about relationships
- being too nosy and trying to find everything out about the relationship
- giving lectures
- telling them to move on and get over it
- putting them down
- teasing.
How can parents support their young people?
The parents and whānau said parents can support their young people by:
- giving advice, factual information and ideas of repercussions
- being there, being available and being open
- working as a team with their partner
- including their friends in their home and getting to know their parents
- teaching them to feel good about themselves
- letting them know things can be worked through, and that there is hope
- making them realise they’re loved regardless, and love is unconditional
- sticking to boundaries and having standards and rules
- talking with other parents about how to manage.
Do you think parents find it difficult to talk about relationship issues with teenagers? What would help?
In response to this question the parents and whānau said parents should try to avoid over-reacting to what their teen said about relationships, teasing, gossiping or passing comment about their boyfriend or girlfriend, being afraid of setting boundaries, being absent from home or being embarrassed to talk about sex. They also noted that the health of their own couple relationship affected how they could talk with their teen about relationship issues. The professionals said there was a need for effective parenting programmes and that some parents struggle to set boundaries for their teenagers.
As noted earlier, gender, culture and sexual orientation will influence how young people think about, feel about and engage in relationships. There were, however, very few differences in the responses the young people in this project gave across these demographic groups.
Key messages to emerge from the study were:
- Young people learn about relationships by watching their parents, whānau and the adults around them.
- Parents, whānau and other adults are key sources of support for young people.
- Young people want to learn more about the emotional side of relationships through the school curriculum.
- School support services may be under-resourced and need to be better connected with the young person’s family and community services.
What the Families Commission will do
As a result of this study, the Families Commission will undertake the following actions:
- raise awareness with parents and whānau of the fact that what they do in their own couple relationship significantly influences young people
- communicate to parents young people’s preferences about what they do and don’t want by way of support from their parents, and the issues they struggle with advocate that relevant parties in the education sector:
- change the curriculum name to ‘Sexuality and Relationship Education’
- maintain and strengthen a focus on teaching relationship skills and education as part of sexuality education in the health education curriculum
- provide more information to parents, family and whānau at the same time as their young people are being taught sexuality and relationship education at school
- investigate the need for better resourcing for effective student support-services in secondary schools
- raise awareness with other adults of the fact that their support is important to young people.