Relationships with youth need nurturing not clichés

“When I look at the younger generation, I despair for the future of civilisation”

- Aristotle, 300BC

Young people need healthy relationships with their parents, says Families Commissioner Gregory Fortuin, but as parents we need to practice what we preach, not recite clichés.

Families Commissioner Gregory Fortuin and son Jonathan will be speaking at the launch of Youth Week, which aims to create a society that values young people and affirms their diversity. This year the theme is connecting young people and their whānau and families.

“Having a relationship with our children isn’t just about being authoritarian, but as parents we need to set down clear limits. Young people require not only clear guidelines, but also support and affirmation,” says Mr Fortuin.

“As a father I had to learn that the title of ‘Dad’ doesn’t give you an automatic right to control a child. It confers a responsibility to nurture a relationship of mutual respect with boundaries. It’s negotiating these boundaries that is often the most fraught.”

Gregory’s son Jonathan explains, “I was frustrated at having my dad on my case all the time, but I’m glad he never gave up. I now know that the rules in our household have made me a better person and our relationship has a strong foundation.”

“We often get caught up in the present and forget that issues of the day are often time immemorial. Issues that might seem current have been playing out for centuries. What remains true is that young people learn from our actions, not just our words,” says Mr Fortuin.

In a report Supporting Young People’s Relationships, released in January this year, the Families Commission confirmed that when it came to relationships, children were indeed watching how parents behaved and modelling their own behaviour on their parents, even when they don’t seem to be listening.

“How we act influences the behaviour of our children far more than we realise. The choices we make as the adults whether consciously or subconsciously, provide either a positive or negative influence,” says Mr Fortuin.

“Young people need relationships where they can receive advice, factual information and discuss repercussions. They require us to be available and open, while letting them know that issues can be worked through. They need us to include their friends in our homes and provide boundaries, but also to teach them to feel good about themselves.

“As a father I know there is nothing more important than making them realise they’re loved unconditionally. And I know that my actions will sometimes speak louder than words, so it’s up to me to set the example,” says Mr Fortuin.